It's been a while since I've posted anything. Sometimes it seems like my weeks just repeat themselves. I'm not complaining,  I really like my life, but, how many times do I need to post that I took mom to the doctor or that I went to garage sales?

Anyway, last Saturday Charlie, me, friend Cinda and her husband Dan went to an out door concert!  We saw 38 Special, Loverboy and Patty Smyth. Oh, I had such a good time. Patty Smyth was first, she does "Sometimes life just ain't enough." and "We are the Warriors." and a lot of other things. She was great. Then 38 Special came on. Their "Strength in numbers" Album has been one of my favorites for years. They just sang parts of some of the good ones and Charlie didn't like that, but it didn't bother me.  Then Loverboy. They were never one of my favorite groups but they did one song that is among my top ten favorites it's "When it's over". I really didn't think they would sing that one. I don't think it was a huge hit and I was surprised and happy when they did do it. 
I think it was the best time I've had in years. I hope I didn't embarrass Charlie too much with my dancing and singing with the music. lol.
I'd like to go to more of the retro band concerts. They audience is not a bunch of young kids making me feel ancient. Mostly people in their 30's 40's and 50's and even older.  Great fun!

I miss you Dad.




Ralph Spalding Sr.
1924-2008

In this dream I decided to get my hair cut short. It looked terrible and spikey with bald spots.
I think I know what this dreams meaning is.
It means I'm afraid if I get my hair cut short it will look terrible.

Charlie had his van up on ramps and was agonizing about fixing it. I  told him it was  ridicules to go through all that when he could just take it to AAMCO, it's not like we don't have the money. I was very assertive and kind of insisted.  It was Saturday and he called and they said if he had it there by 5pm he could leave it. By Monday it was all fixed and ready to go. He was relieved and glad that I made him take it in. I WON!
Next  I'm going to be assertive about him getting all that scrap metal taken in to the scrap yard.  I tried to sit out back with him on a pretty day and then I said " This isn't working for me. I just keep obsessing about all the junk piles in the yard." Then I went in the house. He has assured me he will load up the big truck and get the mess out of the yard. ( I will help.) It's not like I'm a terrible old nag. I don't care if he parks his trucks back there. It's just, ENOUGH with the scrap piles!

Robyn and Wes had been keeping their living room and kitchen clean and livable for a while and I offered to help them clean up their big bedroom. We all worked and got the wall to wall clothes, trash and ferret poop all cleaned up. They went and got more cleaning supplies and they are vowing to keep their house cleaner. I'm so happy : }. I know they will be happier and feel better about themselves if they do. Also tomorrow is trash day and Wes took the trash cans out to the street!! I didn't even have to ask him. Could it be? Is it so? Are they growing up?
I really love those kids.

Anyway, Now that I have sprinkled fairy dust on my family and turned them all into my ideal, I can rest and just be my perfect self until I am needed again.

Well, since I ask.
Everything has calmed down and life is pretty good right now. I'm still busy with Mom and all of her needs and wants, but she has been a pleasure to be around so it's no problem at all.
We've been just doing regular stuff and enjoying our steaks. Charlie bought a quarter of a cow and we have a freezer full of good meat.
Robyn and I got together and colored Easter eggs and made Charlie and Wes Easter baskets. That was fun. I don't get to be with Robyn alone much these days. We really need a child around here. I miss little ones. But, Robyn and Wes are not ready for a baby by a long shot. Still if it happened I can't say I would be disappointed .
Charlie paid $800.00 to fix the back end of his work van and right away the transmission went out. He is checking around for a cheap way to replace the transmission. I wish he's just take it to Aamco and get it done, but he always wastes time trying to get a deal first. I'm getting tired of being so cheap all the time. I'm as bad as him. I feel like going out and having a shopping spree and buying  unnecessary things! But, I'd probably get the shakes and hyper-ventilate. I vow to change! Bad habits are fun!

I finished reading "Overtreated" by Shannon Brownlee. All that I have suspected for a long time she wrote about. Like that well insured people get get more treatment than needed because the health care system is set up so that Doctors and hospitals order many more tests and duplicates of test, drugs and procedures than are really needed. They do it because that is how they make money. The system is use based, not out come based.  She said that hospitals fill all their beds no matter how many they have. Doctors get perks when they prescribe certain drugs, so they are more likely to give them to anyone they can. Also, many drugs and treatment that we think help us have not been proven to really help. Like cholesterol medication and surgical stints for the heart. They are just good money makers.
So, these thing are not only needless but dangerous too. Everyone should read this book. It is full of useful information and suggestions on how to change a bad system. It wouldn't be easy but really it NEEDS to be changed.

I also finished "Life after loss" by Raymond moody and Dianne Arcangel. It is about grief and was very good.
I read  "How to live" by Henry Alford. A search for wisdom from old people. I hated it. The old people interviewed were not wise in my opinion. Just eccenetric.

Now I'm reading " The language of emotional intelligence" by Jenne Segal.  It is interesting and tries to say you can develop Emotional intelligence. I'm not sure that's possible. But, I guess it doesn't hurt to try. I think you're stuck with your EI like you are stuck with the color of your eyes. I guess you could lean to appear more emotionally intelligent, which might be helpful in some situations.

I'm also reading a book by a friend of Lucille Ball, about Lucy. I like to read things like this, I don't know why.

I found three " Chicken soup for the Soul" books in a garage sale and I reed some of that when I don't have much time, or I'm in the bathroom.

It's time to return my library books. I have to admit I did read and enjoy "Chicken Soup for the Pet Lovers Soul." It was a good one to read before going to sleep. It has stories of pets that have touched peoples lives. If I could write better I have a story as good or better than any in the book. It is about the white stray cat that hung around the neighborhood, especially my parents house. I couldn't take him in because he would get up on our window and my other cat would be terrified of him.( I did give him food sometimes). Besides that he would run off if you tried to get close to him.  I didn't think it was an option to ask my parents to take him because they were old and sick and I thought mom had a bad allergy to cats. The poor cat was out in all kinds of weather and he is deaf. I sometimes would be walking up to the house and he would be sleeping in a pile of leaves in the basement window well and he wouldn't hear all the leaves crackling under my feet.
When my dad started to recover a bit from his heart attack, he started feeding the cat on his front porch. Slowly the cat started to trust him. Later he started letting him in the house and mom wasn't allergic to him for some reason. At that time mom was pretty sick and slept almost all the time. The cat became dads best  friend. When I went over all dad would talk about was that cat. He fed him gourmet food and the cat sat on his lap in the evening as he watched TV. He was the best thing that had happened to dad in years. He gave him so much comfort in his last year and a half of life.
 Mom had had a procedure and new medication that had given her back a lot of function mentally and physically that had been gone for a long time. She was starting to do more and could have been more company for dad. But, then dad died last September. Mom is devastated . They were married for 62 years.  She insists on living alone and that cat is a God send. She is as crazy about him as dad was.He is her main topic of conversation. He sleeps on her bed and she says when she cries he puts his paw on her hand. He is almost never away from her side. Sometimes when I arrive to visit and help mom with things he will leave for a while. Then, when I get ready to go home he comes rambling back into her room and gets in his place at the end of the bed. He is giving her the comfort that he gave dad, and mom needs it even more. She says she doesn't know what she would do without him. He gives her a reason to get out of bed because she has to feed him, and he gets her up at different times to play with all the toys she has bought  him. He is one of the few things that make her smile these days.
Since I have gotten older I am not one to believe in cutesy sweetie angel stories but I have to believe that this cat was somehow sent to help my mom and dad. He may even be an angel.

Anyway, I did start " Art history for dummies", but I didn't get too far in it. I may renew it. What I read was interesting. I didn't read much of Chopra's " The third Jesus" either. Maybe I'll get that one another time. The rest of the books I finished or rejected for reasons that I put in a previous post.
 

A - Age: 58( Read more... )</div>

Are you hurting anywhere?

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you.

Charlie and a couple of his friends are over at the other apartment working on it. Probably mostly just getting junk out of it or working on the basement. Charlie has claimed the whole basement as his "shop", which means in a few months it will be so full of crap he won't be able to work down there. But, I'm trying to shake out of this gloomy funk I'm in so i won't go there.

I really dread Sunday anymore. It's very important to mom to go to church on Sunday night at 6pm. I don't like going. Before dad died she had not been to church in over 60 years.  I don't know why it has suddenly become so important, but, what ever makes her happy right now is what we need to do. It really ruins my day though. It's Charlies night off and I don't get home until after 8pm.

I found a cute figurine on ebay. It is an old woman and a middle aged woman, Mother and daughter, sitting on a church pew. The daughter has her arm around the elderly lady's shoulder. Since I have a small collection of mother and daughter figurines it is perfect for me, and a sweet reminder of mom and I right now. I complain about about going to church, ( not to her), but I will probably have fond memories about it some day.

I finished the book I was reading about life in Iraq, "Waiting for an ordinary day". It is really awful that the people were so happy when Saddam Hussein was run out but life has only gotten much worse since then. The US really screwed up there and it cost the people not only many many lives but also any kind of happiness for the living. Their homes and businesses are gone. Towns in ruin. Very little hope for the future. Shameful.

Now I'm reading " My answer is NO, if that's ok with you." It is about how women can say no and (still) feel good about it. I haven't found it very helpful but it's fun to read. I'm almost done with it. Which reminds me. I have to get on the library web site and renew these books. I think today is the last day. I'll probably go get new books this week if I get a chance. I read the one on Scrapbooking, browsed the one on Art History, started " The third Jesus" by Deepak Chopra. I'll have to look at that one again and see if I want to finish it. I rejected the Woody Allen book "Mere Anarchy" I'm either to stupid to understand it or he makes no sense at all. I also rejected "Getting alone with difficult people." I thought the way the book was written would be more suited to an 11 year old. I haven't even looked at "Chicken soup for the pet lover's soul." I may take a look at that tonight.  Or I may take it for mom to read. She might like that one.

I knew I shouldn't have drank that Pepsi so late. It's 4am and I still can't sleep. Charlie drinks several cups of coffee every night after 10pm and sleeps like a baby.  I wonder why I'm so sensitive to caffeine? Even to much chocolate or sugar can keep me up all night. No biggie since I can sleep until eleven though. I'll get a couple of hours probably.

Mom has been so sad. Her grief is very bad. I thought she was doing a little better for a while. That was until my sister, who is a bit crazy, upset her. It seems one day my sister called mom and said she was near by and was going to stop by. Mom says she got out of bed right away, got in her wheelchair and went and unlocked both the storm door and the front door. She sat in her chair waiting for Sue but she never arrived. She called Sue up and said "Where are you?" Sue said " I'm home where do you think I am. You didn't let me in. I was knocking and yelling and you didn't let me in!" (When I came over a couple of hours later both doors were unlocked just as mom said.) Then sue called her up late at night, several times, and told her what a bad mother she had always been and said all kind of horrible things to her. Can you imagine someone doing that to their 81 year old grieving disabled mother? I have figured out, I think, what is wrong with my sister. I think she has paranoid personality disorder. She goes off on these rants often and I have been the victim myself. I know how cruel she can be. Mom has put up with it for so many years. She just isn't strong enough to take Sues abuse now.
I have no idea what happened or why Sue couldn't get in. for one thing I gave her the combination to the lock box with keys to the house in it. You would have thought she'd have been worried about mom and used the keys if she couldn't get in. But NO, It's all about her as always.

Anyway, when I got to mom's house today my brother was there. I noticed that mom looked very stressed out and teary eyed. He hadn't visited for a couple of weeks and I thought it would cheer her up to see him. When he left she said "I wish he hadn't come. He doesn't understand anything." I don't know what that was about. Ralph jr. is a bit of a bone head but I doubt if he did anything besides talk about himself like he usually does. He's a good guy.
She said she needed to go to bed and when she did she started crying and saying  how she couldn't stand dad being gone and she couldn't take much more, and wanted to die. I didn't know what to do but I said I thought she needed to get out for a while. I took her to a department store that she hasn't been to for a long time.  She really seemed to cheer up. She bought some dusting power and perfume and got a free tote bag, and she found a couple of jackets that she liked and a ring to replace one that was turning green on her finger. She said she was feeling better and when I called her later she still seemed in better spirits. I guess I'll just try to keep her busy. If it's shopping that helps, shopping it is.

I'm going to try to sleep again now.

I have been weepy lately. I saw a commercial for breathing strips and cried off and on all day yesterday. Dad  used those strips at night and would sometimes forget he had them on and have it on when I got there in the afternoon. It's funny the things that get to me. I miss him a lot. Mom is having some health issues and I need to talk to him like we always did about what to do.

My father died and we had him cremated. I was surprised that it really bothered me that he was all gone. I think I'd like my bones to at least hang around for a long time. Maybe someday far in the future to be unearthed  and people will say " I wonder who she was?" "She had a slight curvature of the spine and a broken finger. It appears that she spent her life in some kind of manual labor from the wear and tear on her knees and wrists, but she had extensive dental work done so she probably lived a life of relative prosperity ."  It would be comforting to know somewhere there is proof that I once lived.

Lots of snow here today. Charlie and Wes have been shoveling for hours with only a break when I called them in to have some bacon and eggs. Wes has work today at 3pm, but I don't know if he'll make it. I've got to get out this afternoon to go to mom's. I made up enough doses of medicine that she could get by until tomorrow, but she screws up the timing of her medicine and she gets confused, so I really need to go. 
Robyn is off today and she came down for breakfast and has been chilling in front of the tv since then. Charlie's HVAC class is canceled.

I got up this morning to the sound of birds outside my kitchen window, I've been feeding them and they are starting to get pissed if I'm late putting out the seed, I'm almost out of birdseed. If I get out I'll try to stop and get some.  I have been seeing a huge blue jay out there, sparrows, finches, cardinals. My cat loves sitting in the window and watching them.

Well, I thought I had a lot to write but I guess I don't. Hopefully I won't have to much excitement to write about after I go out later.

The plan was for Cinda, mom and I to go to "The world's biggest indoor Garage sale" today. I had been looking forward to it because I have been having garage sale withdrawal since they are pretty much over after October around here. First mom said she didn't think she should go because we have plans for Sunday and it might be too much on her. Probably a good call on her part. Then Cinda said she was sick when I called her to go today. So, I ask Charlie to go with me. It's not really his thing , but I reminded him that I have gone to two gun shows with him. So we went. It was crowded and we both went our own ways with him finding me a few times to see how it was going. He didn't find anything. I got a flue cover. I looked for one of those all last summer. Robyn and Wes's apartment has an open flue hole. this is perfect. It looks nice and old and will do good there. I found one of those metal drinking glasses from the fifties in a pretty blue. I have a little collection of those and when i find them in good shape I pick them up. I also got three pairs of ear rings for a dollar a pair and they are pretty nice.

After we left there we went to the waffle house, Charlies favorite place, and had breakfast. I had a pecan waffle, sausage and a vanilla coke. Charlie had eggs and bacon, hash browns and coffee.

Then Charlie wanted to go to Sam's club and add me to a membership that he got with a friend of his. It was fun looking around. I got a free 16 inch pizza for applying for a credit card. Of course I was turned down for the card but what the heck, Free Pizza! I really don't know if the two of us need to shop for food in bulk, but Charlie was all up for it so we'll see how it goes.

Robyn called while we were in Sam's Club and said she had cramps and wanted me to bring her something for it. It was close to time to go to mom's and give her her meds so I told Robyn it would be a while. She ask me to bring it to her job, so on the way home we stopped and I gave her some pills.

Mom was doing pretty good today. She was talking about an argument her and her cat have been having. She said he finally made up with her and they were getting along fine now. I'm glad she has that cat. He keeps her busy and is good company for her.

We are glad to be home now and will have the free pizza when we get hungry. it was a nice day.

 

THANATOPSIS

by: William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)

O him who in the love of Nature holds

Communion with her visible forms, she speaks

A various language; for his gayer hours

She has a voice of gladness, and a smile

And eloquence of beauty, and she glides

Into his darker musings, with a mild

And healing sympathy, that steals away

Their sharpness, ere he is aware. When thoughts

Of the last bitter hour come like a blight

Over thy spirit, and sad images

Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,

And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,

Make thee to shudder and grow sick at heart;--

Go forth, under the open sky, and list

To Nature's teachings, while from all around--

Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--

Comes a still voice--Yet a few days, and thee

The all-beholding sun shall see no more

In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,

Where thy pale form was laid with many tears,

Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist

Thy image. Earth, that nourish'd thee, shall claim

Thy growth, to be resolved to earth again,

And, lost each human trace, surrendering up

Thine individual being, shalt thou go

To mix for ever with the elements,

To be a brother to the insensible rock,

And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain

Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak

Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mould.

 

Yet not to thine eternal resting-place

Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish

Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down

With patriarchs of the infant world--with kings,

The powerful of the earth--the wise, the good,

Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,

All in one mighty sepulchre. The hills

Rock-ribb'd and ancient as the sun,--the vales

Stretching in pensive quietness between;

The venerable woods; rivers that move

In majesty, and the complaining brooks

That make the meadows green; and, pour'd round all,

Old Ocean's grey and melancholy waste,--

Are but the solemn decorations all

Of the great tomb of man. The golden sun,

The planets, all the infinite host of heaven,

Are shining on the sad abodes of death,

Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread

The globe are but a handful to the tribes

That slumber in its bosom.--Take the wings

Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,

Or lose thyself in the continuous woods

Where rolls the Oregon and hears no sound

Save his own dashings--yet the dead are there:

And millions in those solitudes, since first

The flight of years began, have laid them down

In their last sleep--the dead reign there alone.

So shalt thou rest: and what if thou withdraw

In silence from the living, and no friend

Take note of thy departure? All that breathe

Will share thy destiny. The gay will laugh

When thou art gone, the solemn brood of care

Plod on, and each one as before will chase

His favourite phantom; yet all these shall leave

Their mirth and their employments, and shall come

And make their bed with thee. As the long train

Of ages glides away, the sons of men,

The youth in life's green spring, and he who goes

In the full strength of years, matron and maid,

The speechless babe, and the gray-headed man--

Shall one by one be gathered to thy side

By those who in their turn shall follow them.

 

So live, that when thy summons comes to join

The innumerable caravan which moves

To that mysterious realm where each shall take

His chamber in the silent halls of death,

Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

Scourged by his dungeon; but, sustain'd and soothed

By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,

Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

It seems like everyone is resisting movement today. Including me. Robyn has a long shift at work and she had to drag her self kicking and screaming to get there. Charlie had to go snake a drain, which he wasn't excited to do. I've just been a slug today so far. I've tried to think about dinner, but haven't got an idea. We'll probably end up with frozen pizza. Mom wants to go to church tonight so I've got to do that. I won't get home until at least 8pm.

It's very cold and I think the roads are icy. I think January  is my least favorite month. It's long and cold and blah!

I really have got to pull my self out of this.

Life is good. Life is good. Life is good.
I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok
Everybody' is ok.

Drone, drone, drone.

I think I'm going to start listing the books I reed in my journal. Then I'll see how many by the end of the year. It won't be a large number, but it will be interesting to know. Right now I'm reading "The Third Jesus" by Deepak Chopra. I've also started " Waiting for an ordinary day" The unraveling of life in Iraq. by Farnaz Fassihi. (That one should make me thankful for days like this one). And my bathroom book is "The education of oversoul seven." by Jane Roberts. I read it when I was in my twenties and really liked it and thought I'd read it again. I started to read "How to get alone with difficult people" by Florence Littauer, but I hated it and I won't finish it. It is written in a style that is more suited to pre teens. Really bad.

I'm going to read some of the Iraq book now.
 

 

When did this happen? Lately I have a crap load of free time. Right now mom is holding her own pretty well and I'm only going to her house twice a day if she is feeling really bad. I've only been going once a day usually, and spending a few hours with her and doing what I can. I stopped going at 11am because she was always sleeping. it works out better if I go around 5pm. That way I can get the mail and make sure she eats something.  That leaves me with the whole morning. I've just been cleaning doing laundry and cooking, which doesn't really take that much time. ( At least not to do it up to my standards).
By noon I eat a little lunch and wait to take Robyn to work, which is usually about 4pm and then go to mom's while I'm out. I'm back home by at least 8pm and have two hours before Charlie gets home from school where he teaches adults Heating and air conditioning. I'm starting to feel like I should be doing more. I could probably work part time in the morning and still do what I have to do. I don't really want to work but I don't like feeling like I'm not pulling my weight. Charlie works service calls in the morning and teaches at night. He brings in all the money. All he asks of me is to pack him a lunch and have some food ready when he has time to eat. Everything is about my family. There's mom, and then Robyn and Wes haven't paid any rent for the apartment upstairs for more than a year. He is just carrying all the load. Charlie doesn't want me to work and I couldn't bring in much money if I did.  So, I'm not sure what I should be doing. If anything happened to him we would all be screwed.

For now i'm just going to enjoy this time of relative quiet. I'll worry about it tomorrow.

I'm just sitting here watching the History channel with Charlie. It's is about Nostradamus. I guess we may all die in 2012. Man, he was a real Chicken Little wasn't he? I guess he could be right, but I don't know what good it is to know. It's not like we could change it if it was pre-destined. It's interesting though.

Charlie got home from visiting his dad in Texas last night. I'm very happy that he's home. I thought that I would stress out like crazy with him gone, but I did okay. I didn't let my mind go all the scary places and worse case scenarios like I can do sometimes. I just tried to enjoy the solitude and not worry. I did it!  I don't know how people can stand to send loved ones off to war. I admire them about as much as the ones who go.

I watched the whole first season of the Sopranos while Charlie was gone. I like it ,but I don't think it is something I'd want to watch more than once, so instead of getting season 2 on dvd on ebay I'm upgrading my Netflix to two at a time to see the rest of the series. I'll sell the DVD first season I bought.
The series is disturbing and violent but I like that he is going to a psychiatrist and we get some insight into his mind.

Robyn and Wes got a new ferret to keep their other ferret company. They took to each other right away. i never thought I would like ferrets but they are such happy, joyous little creatures that I really love them. They are very funny too.